Friday, October 11, 2013

Ode to the Ugly Cry

What a day, what a day!  The boys were in rare form today.  By 7:30am I was ready to put up my flag and scream, "I surrender!"  I may or may not have done the ugly cry on our drive to speech therapy.  I was SO tired this morning, the boys were grouchy and I had enough! Luckily by the time we got to ST I pulled myself together and put on my smile. It was just a rough, rough day.  Luckily I got an hour to myself this afternoon.  The hubs was home, and I just needed a break.  That one hour did a world of good.

I've seen a question asked on message boards about Autism and other disabilities that always has me thinking.  If you could make your child a typical child, would you change who they are?"  A lot of parents answer, "No."  The thinking is that this is how GOD made their child, and they wouldn't change them for the world.  I have to be honest, I love my children with all of my heart and would die for them, BUT if I could take away their Autism and other disabilities that they have, would I? YES! My children are amazing, wonderful and beautiful and I would not trade them in for anything but if I could take away all of their issues so they would never have to suffer, of course I would!  What parent doesn't dream of their child becoming a doctor, lawyer, teacher, fireman, etc.  Sure, it's possible some with Autism achieve that goal. but for others it's not reality.  Dealing with severe Autism makes you worry about their future.  Although in the moment we try to make it day to day, it's hard not to think about what happens 30-40 years from now. What happens when the hubs and I are no longer here?  Who will be here to help our babies and guide them?  Will they be able to function and be independent one day? Will they have to live in a group home?  Will they live with my niece and nephew (please S&A!!)?I wish we had a crystal ball and could see into the future.

I'm always told by friends that I handle everything with such grace and determination. I'm often asked how we're always smiling and laughing when we have so much going on in our lives. Of course there are times when I do the ugly cry, want to lay in bed all day, put up my flag to surrender and sometimes wonder why I didn't start getting gray hair until after we had the boys, but our attitude towards everything is a choice. I've learned it's OK to have bad day, it's OK to need to do the ugly cry from time to time, heck, it's even OK to have to down a bottle of wine now. When it comes down to it,  at the end of the day we need to  pick our selves up, put on a smile and enjoy life and our amazing boys.  After all, we need them just as much as they need us.

1 comment:

  1. I can totally relate to this post! I've had plenty of days with an ugly cry... but plenty of days full of smiles too :) I have read those remarks before as well where people say they wouldn't take their child's autism away if they could. But I'm in the same camp as you are. I love my children so much - just as they are. But their particular flavor of autism is so dramatically impacting of their life and mine that, yes, I would have it different if I could.